Saturday 31 January 2009
Thursday 29 January 2009
A Plague of Rats.
I am having a plague of rats. Or rather Im being plagued by rats every where I turn. Or rather Im being plagued about rats. PLague or no plague - and they brought the plague didnt they - that's rats for you.I can quite see how it happened.
Archie has a friend who is selling two pet rats. I say - "there's no such thing as a pet rat". (They have nasty hairy whippy scaley tails and mean little eyes and are only one up from the bottom of the worst pet option from snakes.) Except that you can feed rats to snakes. But we are definately not going there either.
Every night I am subjected to the rat on-slaught when Im least expecting it (in the bath - whilst on the loo- when taking a splinter out of the game keepers leather like thumbs - talk about buffulo hide I had to use a screw driver and a monkey wrench and that was just to pierce the skin) However the rat story always begins with "Mum, you know Ive been good...or you know when I picked up my school clothes off the floor yesterday (after the 10th ask)so mum can I have Liam's rats? -rapidly followed by - "I'll pay for them myself, I'll buy them and clean them out, and pick up their poo, (this is sounding rather familiar to the pony story and all the poo that that entailed)However I am near certain their is no market for organic rat poop for the garden at £2/bag. and even if there is Im still not going there!
Anyway these rats (shudder) are tame (apperently) only Liam is selling them as one of them accidentally bit him.....(they sound really tame) well apperently he might have forgotten to feed them a few times....(oh my god - starved and untame and whippy and bity with mean little eyes) so like they make really great pets, Liam said so....and I'd keep them in my bedroom (which is next door to mine - so thats another reason that no is the answer)I said Archie rats are nocturnal -no there not - well not Liam's rats his dad puts them in the shed at night....Yes thats so you cant hear their infernal scratching and burrowing as they gnaw through ropes on the trap door - and so you dont notice when they go moonlighting in acting parts in scarey movies.....with their whippy tails. SO like please can I have them.No. Please.No.Please (cue a storming out and a door slam or two) then another please and several more no's -and the lecture about when does NO ever turn into a Yes - and
another warning for whining. Well if I dont whine can I get them??? Its not Get its Please may I have....well please may I have them. No. Why not. Because they are nasty...no their not - Yes they are they bit Liam - well he forgot to feed them....So that is plague number one. and Plague number two is apperently living in our shed. These rats too are as virtual as plague one but have been invented by Finlay so he dosent have to go and fill the coal bucket. They ammount of rat time that Archie has taken up over the last few days seem to add up to a whole herd of rats, which as a result of their current popularity have made the leap to reality and a very real excuse for Fin - who will happily fetch coal if you stand and watch - or go with him, or explain 1000times that just because it's dark it dosent mean a 6ft rat has suddenly materialised on top of the coal pile. A 6ft rat -imagine the size of his tail......
Archie has a friend who is selling two pet rats. I say - "there's no such thing as a pet rat". (They have nasty hairy whippy scaley tails and mean little eyes and are only one up from the bottom of the worst pet option from snakes.) Except that you can feed rats to snakes. But we are definately not going there either.
Every night I am subjected to the rat on-slaught when Im least expecting it (in the bath - whilst on the loo- when taking a splinter out of the game keepers leather like thumbs - talk about buffulo hide I had to use a screw driver and a monkey wrench and that was just to pierce the skin) However the rat story always begins with "Mum, you know Ive been good...or you know when I picked up my school clothes off the floor yesterday (after the 10th ask)so mum can I have Liam's rats? -rapidly followed by - "I'll pay for them myself, I'll buy them and clean them out, and pick up their poo, (this is sounding rather familiar to the pony story and all the poo that that entailed)However I am near certain their is no market for organic rat poop for the garden at £2/bag. and even if there is Im still not going there!
Anyway these rats (shudder) are tame (apperently) only Liam is selling them as one of them accidentally bit him.....(they sound really tame) well apperently he might have forgotten to feed them a few times....(oh my god - starved and untame and whippy and bity with mean little eyes) so like they make really great pets, Liam said so....and I'd keep them in my bedroom (which is next door to mine - so thats another reason that no is the answer)I said Archie rats are nocturnal -no there not - well not Liam's rats his dad puts them in the shed at night....Yes thats so you cant hear their infernal scratching and burrowing as they gnaw through ropes on the trap door - and so you dont notice when they go moonlighting in acting parts in scarey movies.....with their whippy tails. SO like please can I have them.No. Please.No.Please (cue a storming out and a door slam or two) then another please and several more no's -and the lecture about when does NO ever turn into a Yes - and
another warning for whining. Well if I dont whine can I get them??? Its not Get its Please may I have....well please may I have them. No. Why not. Because they are nasty...no their not - Yes they are they bit Liam - well he forgot to feed them....So that is plague number one. and Plague number two is apperently living in our shed. These rats too are as virtual as plague one but have been invented by Finlay so he dosent have to go and fill the coal bucket. They ammount of rat time that Archie has taken up over the last few days seem to add up to a whole herd of rats, which as a result of their current popularity have made the leap to reality and a very real excuse for Fin - who will happily fetch coal if you stand and watch - or go with him, or explain 1000times that just because it's dark it dosent mean a 6ft rat has suddenly materialised on top of the coal pile. A 6ft rat -imagine the size of his tail......
Wednesday 21 January 2009
Sunday 18 January 2009
avoidance, a cure for distress............
January is blowing past - quite literally as we had super-mendous 90 mile an hour gales that had the glass positively rattling in the window panes last night. I've been avoiding blogging for various reasons - mostly hormonal, but not all my hormones. Also been reading a book by someone called Neil something titled "Enough" - which is food for thought and making me want to retreat further into a burrow and hole up for the duration - however the sun shone briefly yesterday, as I humoured customers at the Farmer's Market - the lady that asked why she couldn't buy pheasants all year round....."well because they are seasonal" I told her, "Which season?" she asked..... I hate it when people talk to you like your trying to rip them off or trick them into something dodgy - it's only meat for goodness sake, an organic, lean and healthy - with tiny "food miles" into the bargain.I pointed out to one couple that the venison which we produce has only 30 food miles - going from larder to Sheridan's in Ballater for butchering and back again, to which he asked if that included the extra 10miles from the farm shop to the Banchory Farmer's market, I was tempted to ask if him if he'd be having Kenyan green beans with his casserole..... I'm ranting aren't I.
Food miles is one thing, kid miles quite another. I expect Finlay will require to lie down in a darkened room this week after his weekend of excesses. Thursday night - laser quazer birthday party -Friday an evening on the wii with his favourite babysitter -Saturday a full days beating at his favourite other game keepers shoot - Sat night unexpected sleep over at best mate (who never does sleep over's, but due to another local child's birthday party and his elder brother out of the house - left his mother without 2 of her children - who - poor thing - felt the need to fill up the bed space) I on the other hand - whilst thinking that maybe Finny could do with a rest found the thought of NOT having to struggle to get him into bed yet again -too tempting and packed him and his toothbrush off quicker than you could say "early night" -and finally, he was swooped up at 9.30 for his first visit to Pittodrie stadium - with another friend's grandpa - including the corporation bus (half price for OAP's) and the promise of a half time pie. (The origin of THOSE pies I'd really rather not know - given that the contents are grey, then brown - if you put enough HP on - and the grounds and burger van are situated right next door to the cat and dog home.....dog burgers....gross - but still lower on food miles.)Anyway - expecting tantrums on his return so now doubt will be rewarded with amazing visionary powers once again - might try putting the clocks forward 10 weeks early.
Yesterday morning's epic struggle to kit out and get out 5 individuals of different shapes and sizes to various disciplines - where 4 of them seem incapable of starting a sentence with anything other than "has anyone seen my......." Fergus was working in the farm shop - "has anyone seen my superman t-shirt" Fin & Hedge were beating "has anyone seen my boots, coat, waterproofs, packed lunch, shooting stick, dog whistle, flask, balaclava, gloves, dog x 4, loo roll, father," (yes really, Finlay asked that question....) Archie was playing rugby and managed to find his shorts and shirt,but the dreaded "gum shield, water bottle, spare studs and worst of all "OTHER rugby boot". We could find only one. 5 other rugby boots made their appearances, with and without their partners, but the necessary size 5 little bastard remained elusive. I blame the dog, she likes to take them outside - especially when it snows. Having become near hysterical and I left asking no-one where my brain, gloves, warm boots, purse, check list, meat, honey, game, chiller, till and float were -to find that "someone else" had taken out the plastic bags - so had to ask the bacon man on the next stall if I could borrow some of his!! I left chaos and boys at 7.45am and came back to chaos but no boys at 3. I then required an hours kip and woke freezing and got into trouble from the keeper for letting the fire go out. having then remembered to buy birthday card and present for 2nd party of the week, fill the car with petrol, remove the after 8 from the back seat, take rugby boots out of the bath, load the washing machine twice, check my emails, and reply -write a press release for the Poot (Portrait of Our Time) AND walk the remaining dogs - one that rakes, one that is past beating but not beyond shagging anything with a pulse, and the cairn who is in season - so marks a path all the way round our circuit that leads the adjoining farmers bloody collie to haunt our back door.....Infact there was the most wonderful dust up last week when 2 labradors, a scottie, a spaniel, the cairn, and the cocker set to with the collie, in the fragrant space that is our back door - 8ft square and smelling of cat pee - with a leaky plastic roof. It was like one of those cartoons in Tom & Jerry when there's a cloud and all you see is a tail and a tooth and a blur of barking and snarling.The cats - positioned on the shoe rack above the cacophony remained aloof and aloft with their paws and tails tucked in. Ive lost my thread now - which is probably just as well as I feel like Im unravelling - and I was probably only complaining anyhow.
I heard the best cat story for ages this week -a friend with 2 hunting mogs - the type that bring home their catches were alerted to the fact that one of their moggies was home by a loud rattling of the cat flap - not just the normal quiet swish. On investigating they found the cat - complete with mouse - still attached in somebody else's mouse trap. I rather fancy the idea that the cat had brought it in with an indignant "How do you open this bloody new fangled packaging"......
My third load of washing for the day has just completed - that will be all the rugby kit (except the size 5 boot)(and never tell a boy to put his kit in the machine as I Have found 2 pairs of boots, a gum shield, a psp game and a bottle of ribena - all still in a kit bag -generally don't like a hot wash) but anyway ready for the whole thing to start all over again next week......worst of all my Blog means that I have spent more time avoiding my tax return.Bummer.....procrastinate I shall no more.
Food miles is one thing, kid miles quite another. I expect Finlay will require to lie down in a darkened room this week after his weekend of excesses. Thursday night - laser quazer birthday party -Friday an evening on the wii with his favourite babysitter -Saturday a full days beating at his favourite other game keepers shoot - Sat night unexpected sleep over at best mate (who never does sleep over's, but due to another local child's birthday party and his elder brother out of the house - left his mother without 2 of her children - who - poor thing - felt the need to fill up the bed space) I on the other hand - whilst thinking that maybe Finny could do with a rest found the thought of NOT having to struggle to get him into bed yet again -too tempting and packed him and his toothbrush off quicker than you could say "early night" -and finally, he was swooped up at 9.30 for his first visit to Pittodrie stadium - with another friend's grandpa - including the corporation bus (half price for OAP's) and the promise of a half time pie. (The origin of THOSE pies I'd really rather not know - given that the contents are grey, then brown - if you put enough HP on - and the grounds and burger van are situated right next door to the cat and dog home.....dog burgers....gross - but still lower on food miles.)Anyway - expecting tantrums on his return so now doubt will be rewarded with amazing visionary powers once again - might try putting the clocks forward 10 weeks early.
Yesterday morning's epic struggle to kit out and get out 5 individuals of different shapes and sizes to various disciplines - where 4 of them seem incapable of starting a sentence with anything other than "has anyone seen my......." Fergus was working in the farm shop - "has anyone seen my superman t-shirt" Fin & Hedge were beating "has anyone seen my boots, coat, waterproofs, packed lunch, shooting stick, dog whistle, flask, balaclava, gloves, dog x 4, loo roll, father," (yes really, Finlay asked that question....) Archie was playing rugby and managed to find his shorts and shirt,but the dreaded "gum shield, water bottle, spare studs and worst of all "OTHER rugby boot". We could find only one. 5 other rugby boots made their appearances, with and without their partners, but the necessary size 5 little bastard remained elusive. I blame the dog, she likes to take them outside - especially when it snows. Having become near hysterical and I left asking no-one where my brain, gloves, warm boots, purse, check list, meat, honey, game, chiller, till and float were -to find that "someone else" had taken out the plastic bags - so had to ask the bacon man on the next stall if I could borrow some of his!! I left chaos and boys at 7.45am and came back to chaos but no boys at 3. I then required an hours kip and woke freezing and got into trouble from the keeper for letting the fire go out. having then remembered to buy birthday card and present for 2nd party of the week, fill the car with petrol, remove the after 8 from the back seat, take rugby boots out of the bath, load the washing machine twice, check my emails, and reply -write a press release for the Poot (Portrait of Our Time) AND walk the remaining dogs - one that rakes, one that is past beating but not beyond shagging anything with a pulse, and the cairn who is in season - so marks a path all the way round our circuit that leads the adjoining farmers bloody collie to haunt our back door.....Infact there was the most wonderful dust up last week when 2 labradors, a scottie, a spaniel, the cairn, and the cocker set to with the collie, in the fragrant space that is our back door - 8ft square and smelling of cat pee - with a leaky plastic roof. It was like one of those cartoons in Tom & Jerry when there's a cloud and all you see is a tail and a tooth and a blur of barking and snarling.The cats - positioned on the shoe rack above the cacophony remained aloof and aloft with their paws and tails tucked in. Ive lost my thread now - which is probably just as well as I feel like Im unravelling - and I was probably only complaining anyhow.
I heard the best cat story for ages this week -a friend with 2 hunting mogs - the type that bring home their catches were alerted to the fact that one of their moggies was home by a loud rattling of the cat flap - not just the normal quiet swish. On investigating they found the cat - complete with mouse - still attached in somebody else's mouse trap. I rather fancy the idea that the cat had brought it in with an indignant "How do you open this bloody new fangled packaging"......
My third load of washing for the day has just completed - that will be all the rugby kit (except the size 5 boot)(and never tell a boy to put his kit in the machine as I Have found 2 pairs of boots, a gum shield, a psp game and a bottle of ribena - all still in a kit bag -generally don't like a hot wash) but anyway ready for the whole thing to start all over again next week......worst of all my Blog means that I have spent more time avoiding my tax return.Bummer.....procrastinate I shall no more.
Thursday 8 January 2009
GAP disclaimer -it's a dog's life
Further to yesterdays rant I feel duty bound to inform the world that I actually refrained from swearing at the useless Louise/non super-visor -I decided on the spur of the moment to say not one word more (or it would have been an expletive squared) and that it would be simply so much more satisfying to do my best "flounce". It felt completely alien NOT to say thakyou even sarcastically, thankfully I also managed NOT to trip over anything as I left the shop - and made my way to the door despite the steam leaving my ears. As I perambulated up Union Street muttering only a little bit, I reminded myself of my Reiki principles and best intentions.....Good Karma, you get what you deserve - which surely means the size 5 boots were not meant for Archie's size 5.5 feet.....
Wednesday 7 January 2009
F-R-U-S-T-ration
Today - another self fulfilling prophecy which just goes to show "be careful what you wish for". On the last day of the holidays we took the boys shopping at the sales. Archie fell in love with a pair of boots in Gap (which DOES NOT stand for "Gay and Proud" thank you Fergus) Despite thinking that the said boots were almost too small -I was fairly certain he was curling his toes up inside them as I probed around trying to feel how mashed they were -but he was PLEADING and he has been wearing snow boots come hail or snow almost entirely for the month of December (since I forbade him from wearing canary yellow crocs to school OR with socks) (how many fashion faux pas can one boy achieve).....anyway - they were perfect "boy boots" by which I mean could be kicked off and scuffed on -elasticated sides -brown - plain -chelsea boots - ten quid. Who could say no. So I took them and a pile of £2.99 t-shirts (trying not to think of my social conscience and the chillean children labouring in a sweat shop for that price) and handed them over to a sweet studently girl at the counter. We then had a pleasant enough conversation which started with her admiring my rather fine fingerless gloves and ending with the silly air headed student piece of fluff NOT putting the boots in the bag.....which I didnt discover until I had negotiated the crowds and the car park and got ALL the way home....cue one disappointed little face (mine) and a phonecall that surprisingly quickly got a bit out of hand. Now in my advancing years I have taken great pains to throw off my "hot head over reactionary reputation" So the conversation went something like "Hello, I bought a pair of brown boots in the childrens department today and when I got home I discovered that they had not been put in my bag, could you post them to me?" GAP "Oh,no we cant post them, but I have them right here you can collect them tomorrow" -Me "Well actually that is not very convenient as I live 30 miles out of town and was not planning on coming in for at least another week -Do you want the reference number for the boots off my receipt " GAP - "Oh - well I suppose I could keep them for you for one week" Me - "Well thank you for that, but in my experience this sort of thing is likely to go wrong -so what happens if they go missing as my son is desperately keen on the boots" GAP "they wont go missing" Me "But what if they do...." GAP "Look, Ive said I will keep them for you so I will" Me - "Yes, but the girl who I paid said she would put everything in a bag for me - and she didn't" GAP "Look, do you have a problem? Ive said I was sorry" Me "Did you?, I hadnt noticed, in my long experience with dealing with Gap - sometimes you screw up and I just want to know how we can make sure I get the boots, I know you are very busy and have lots of students working for you....." GAP (interrupting me and a voice loaded with vitriol)"Excuse me are you saying you have a problem with students now?" Me "well actually this is getting us no where and we are both getting a bit exasperated - can I speak to a supervisor please" (wait for it)GAP "I am the supervisor" ME " ok can I take your name and your personal assurance that nothing will go wrong and I can pick up the boots by the end of the day on Wednesday 7th January" GAP (not-so-Super-visor)"Yes". Me "Well can I have your name please?" GAP "It's Louise" ME "Louise what?" GAP "Louise the supervisor, now Ive given you my name Im not giving you anything else" (well clearly)And so it came to pass that I dragged my weary ass back in to Aberdeen, and the crowds and the car parking today and got to GAP and guess what......First (in the very faint hope that all might be well and I could avoid Louise with no second name)I asked an assistant if she knew anything about a pair of brown boots that were being reserved in the name of Shand (probably labelled "For a Bitch")she was all perky and said she thought they were in the office. Sadly this is not a tale of a happy ending as of course they were a pair of girls boots - and despite Archie's liberal leanings I didnt think he would have lent quite so far....so I asked for Louse and I said "Hello, I had been hoping to avoid this conversation, but do you remember I phoned about some brown boys boots and you said you would keep them for me and their would be no mistake, well their is....like I said there would be...." And do you know what she said? She said "OH,YOU never said they were BOYS boots, and we dont have any others" "and I said "no of course you dont you stupid fucking dimwit gap fucker....." or no words to that effect. GAP -Gargantuan Asshole Pisspots. Still no boots, but feel better for sharing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
